How to sneak into concerts by Keith Ang’ana

Published in Qwani 04

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1. Dress casually

How you dress at a concert is very crucial, not only to yourself and all potentials whom you hope to attract, but also to your chances of sneaking in. One thing is for sure: Despite what the famous adage says, everyone actually judges a book by the cover. That’s why ‘hardcover’ books are more expensive than ‘paperback’ books. I digress.

Depending on the venue, there is always chatter about some ‘odi’ groups sneaking into concerts to steal people’s belongings. If the concert is happening at Carnivore, Uhuru Gardens, or Ngong Racecourse, there’ll be statements of thieves from Kibera making their way to steal. If the concert is at Moi International Stadium, Kasarani, then you’d hear statements about thieves from Githurai eyeing attendees’ phones. It’s usually a case of ‘Mgeni njoo, mwenyeji apone’.

See, you wouldn’t want to be categorized as one of these, right? To be blacklisted by everyone around you. The security guards at the entrance, as well, would profile you the moment they spotted you, and would ensure that you are kicked out.

Therefore, choose your chalice wisely. On the side, don’t wear any white clothing. That’ll be like wearing your Air Force 1s to the farm. You will be overdressed for the occasion. Remember the first episode of Squid Game, when the players were getting ready to play Red Light, Green Light, then Seong Gi-Hun was surprised to see his wealthy friend Cho Sang-Woo participating, and asked him, “Why are you here? I thought you were financially stable!” Yes, you’d be like Cho Sang-Woo, overdressed in the middle of peasants sneaking in.

Just wear… casual wear.

2. Pre-game

As a rule of thumb for concert-goers, you have to head over for a pre-game. You’re going to make some daring moves at night, so you need to be as bold as you can get. Alcohol is the one thing that pulls one’s confidence out of the pits of Tartarus and serves it to them on a silver platter, as John the Baptist’s head was served to King Herod’s daughter. I mean, don’t people take alcohol to get the confidence to sing in Karaoke? Likewise, you’ll need some alcohol in your temporal veins to convince your brain that you’re too cool for the security guards.

If the concert is happening along Lang’ata Road, say, Uhuru Gardens or The Waterfront Karen, then the whole squad will be heading over to Magharibi in Nairobi West for the pre-game. Make sure to get there around 6pm. Order your ‘ka-quarter’, get a table, and start scrolling through Twitter. Don’t think about how you’ll actually sneak into the concert later on (it doesn’t make sense to avoid thoughts on this, if you’re at a pre-game with everyone else who’s heading over to the concert later on, no?). You’ll cross that bridge when you get there. Just distract yourself until you’re distracted enough to worry about whether you’ll get in.

3. Get to the venue at 8pm

Once it starts getting dark, most of the revelers at the pre-game will leave and start heading over to the concert. It’s almost like someone flashes a bat-signal in the sky, and everyone gets the cue to leave and head over to the concert. This is your time to leave as well. Just like a vampire, you can only thrive in the dark.

Order a cab, not a boda. You need to sit at the back left, place your arm on the door support and stare outside the window. There’ll definitely be traffic on the way to the venue. But that shouldn’t worry you. In any case, the traffic will buy enough time for you to get there at the optimal time, which is 8pm. Therefore, take your sweet time in traffic.

Don’t strike up a conversation with the cab driver. Hopefully, he’ll have his radio playing. You’re better off listening to music than getting super-chatty this early in the night. Stare at the other people stuck in traffic with you. Whenever you pass a cab and you spot someone of the opposite gender, make sure to wink or throw a kiss at them. The night is getting started, and you need blood pumping somewhere else besides your heart.

4. Scan around for entry points

By the time you get to the venue, it will be so crowded that the cab driver won’t have the convenience of dropping you off closer to the entrance. They’ll mutter about how they have to turn around as soon as possible, so as to leave, and will kindly request that you pay them off. For that reason, you’ll be dropped off at a distance from the venue.

Immediately you alight, you’ll see hundreds of young people just walking and standing aimlessly around you. Most, like you, are already drunk. They’re all walking in groups. Couples holding each other. Ladies, as is the norm, love to freeze-and-shine. Men, on the other hand, are geared up with baggy jackets as if they’re going on a hike. True to word, there’s an uphill task ahead of them, and they’re ready.

Join the crowd and walk with them to the entrance. You need to find out exactly where you're going to access it from. Some concerts have an unmanned gate for everyone to pass through, followed by a manned gate for ticket check-up. Others have as many as four gates, with the purpose of the last two being to ensure that you aren’t sneaking anything in.

This information is crucial, as now, you have to plot out your entry. Remember that bridge (at the pre-game) which we saved for later? Yes. It is now time to cross it. It’s akin to the shaky, faulty rope bridge across River Sagana; therefore, you have to be careful not to slack.

5. Hope to meet somebody you know

Find a vantage point close to the entrance where you can see most of the people streaming in and stand there. Now, scan the vicinity and look for someone whom you might know. The depth of the relationship doesn’t matter at this point. It could be someone you once met through a friend. It could be your primary school classmate. Once you spot him/her, rush to greet them. Tell them how it’s been a long time since you last saw each other, and that you should catch up soon. Tell them how excited you are to see the artist. Then, suddenly, pretend that you don’t want to waste their precious time, and mention how their friends are leaving him/her behind. Ask for their phone number, and give them a call immediately so that they can also save your number. As you bid them goodbye, tell them that you’ll call them once inside the concert to talk more.

You’ll also meet a suspicious friend. They’ll be alert to their environment, preferring to stand back and let others walk in. When you engage them in a conversation, they’ll mention that they bought a last-minute ticket from a friend at a cheaper price. They aren’t even sure whether they’ll be let in. They’re just here to try their luck. Mention, however, that you’re just like them. If you convince them enough, they’ll take out their ticket and let you take a photo of it to use at the entrance. However, the condition is that you let them in first, before making your way there…

6. Call them to know the status

After a while, call your friend who had the cheap ticket to ask whether they got inside seamlessly. Ask how many checks there are. How does the main entrance look? Are they scanning QR codes or just checking texts?

In case he mentions that the guides checking the tickets were unsuspecting, then that means you could also make your move.

7. Walk towards the ticket check

Now, you have your ‘ticket’ with you. On the downside, you took a photo of your friends’ ticket in the dark, and so, the flash made it look god-awful. That way, you convince yourself that the ticket checker will surely doubt the ticket.

One important thing you need to arm yourself with is… confidence. You could lack everything at the moment (including money, which is why you’re sneaking in), but don’t lack confidence. You’ll need people to believe that you’re among the buyers.

Make a prayer to the Father Almighty. This is almost like the animals moving in pairs into Noah’s ark. Will you gain entry? Will you be locked out? It’s a gamble.

In case you’re granted entry, your story ends here. Wooooo! Congratulations!!

In case you aren’t, then you can appeal as much as you can before you are kicked back to the back. Mention that your friend was the one who bought the two tickets and sent one to you. Mention how the image isn’t clear because you had to come here with your second phone, not your iPhone. Mention how you were among the first people to buy the tickets. Do gaslight them into believing you.

If they still don’t believe you, then head back to the back, and continue working on this plan.

8. At 10pm, start approaching the entrance

By now, a larger crowd would have formed outside the entrance. You will realize that a hundred other people also haven’t bought tickets, just like you, and are hoping to sneak in. The wahengas were spitting when they said that ‘Waarabu wa Pemba hujuana kwa vilemba’

How deep are your pockets? Do they have a zip? Does your jacket have an inner pocket? You need to have your phone safely tucked. You wouldn’t want someone to keep your phone safely for you.

9. Move into the middle of the crowd and start pushing forward

The crowd is now marching on towards the entrance.

From the experience of watching medieval war movies, you are better off being in the middle of the movement. Don’t stand at the front or on the sides. You need to be a small fish in a big pond.

When enough people have joined the pack, they’ll start pushing forward in unison. If you went to a boys’ high school, it’ll remind you of the maul that your rugby team would engage in (only Alliance, Mang’u, Lenana, Upper Hill & Nairobi School guys relate).

The maul will push forward, till it gets to the security guards. They’ll try raising their hands in the air, barking orders at all of you to move back, but it’ll be too late. The guards will be overpowered. The maul will move in and make a try.

PS: Ensure that you don’t trip and fall; otherwise, you’ll be stampeded (sic) to death.

10. Walk casually and blend in with the audience

You are now inside. This is one of those moments where you have to mask up your excitement.

Do everything, but do not run. This will raise suspicion, and if there are any guards inside who have been alerted to the situation, then they’ll sniff you out and escort you outside.

Make your way to the middle of the audience, and spend some time there., while one of the artists is on stage.

If you’re lucky enough, as we were during Rema’s 2022 concert, the artist might even say that there shouldn’t be a barrier separating the VIPs and the Regulars, and this, ladies and gentlemen, will be your cue to cross over and become a VIP.

From a sneaker to a VIP, you’ll have the night of your lifetime. All for free.

Post-script: This piece is dedicated to my late cousin, Lord Forester Ochwando, with whom my sister and I sneaked into more than ten concerts and had the time of our lives. It was a practice that we had refined by experience. Unfortunately, he passed away on 24th December 2024, just two days after we had sneaked into the Solfest Concert. My last memory of him, then, was how happy he was when we managed, once again, to sneak into the concert as if it were our cup of tea (well, it was). For that reason, concerts will never feel the same without him (that’s what I’m telling myself), so I’m retiring from the game of sneaking into concerts. Together with Forester, we had fought the good fight, we had finished the race, and we had kept the faith. Hopefully, the next time we meet, we'll be sneaking into Heaven together. Rest in Peace.

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Image from reddit u/Working_Mousse7326